A few things

Hey there! Not a lot to report, but a few random things going on in my personal development. 1. I have decided to journal what I create each day for my "Let's Make Shit!" quest in September (and part of August). I'm considering turning this journal into a zine, but we'll see how it turns out. If it's got some deeper learnings or at least some good quips, then I'll probably publish it. Otherwise, it'll just be documentation for me to remember what I once created in a month. 2. I finished drafting my zine about zines today! I just need a better title and it needs some revision, but my hand hurts so, even though I'm all amped to do it now, I should give it a rest. 3. I learned about the concept of de-schooling or unschooling on Saturday and I've been scouring the interwebs (I stole that from my buddy Jonas. It's hilarious to me that he calls it that since I call it "The Internets"!) looking for zines about it. The person who told me about it said she'd lend me her zines when she was finished, but I'm impatient.

Moments in Time

I saw a man reading an ancient hard back book today. When he was finished, he wrapped it up in a small woven blanket and put it in his backpack. This man loves his books. It was beautiful-- poetic.

I am blog-bombing you!

Sorry, today is blog-bomb day. That's just how it's gonna be. So, two things. First, I realized today just how self-involved I have been. I mean, I try. I try really hard to be cognizant of others, but my shit's been all over the place lately, and that makes it hard for me to think of anyone else but myself. Today, Maria yanked me out of my self-centered haze. I spent the whole day looking for potential places to live. About 1pm, I finally descended from my room and Maria was visibly in a panic and uncomfortable. Her mother and aunt arrived last weekend and we've all been living together. Since my Spanish is pathetic, I mostly say "hello-how are you?" and try to keep to myself, so as not to make them uncomfortable. I've felt like I'm not as welcoming as I could be, even though that's not at all the case. However, after Maria's mother and aunt leave, her mother-in-law is coming. Paula (that's the mother-in-law) is formidable and neither Maria nor Mario are particular fond of her. She's meticulous, scrupulous, and highly critical of their lifestyle. Mario recommended that I be out of the house by the time she arrives and I said I would. Frantic, Maria approached me and asked me when I would be out of the house so that she can "deep clean" the room for Paula. I was miffed. I've already felt like a huge inconvenience since I arrived here (not because of them, but because that's just how I feel) and, for whatever reason, Maria's comment made me feel like I was no longer welcome. I proceeded to go to my room and pout/pursue viable living arrangements. But then I thought (and this is from knowing Paula and speaking to Maria and Mario extensively about her presence in their lives) "Maria is simply panicking about how she will never meet Paula's exacting standards. This really has nothing to do with me." In fact, given Helena's reaction to my leaving, they would much prefer me imposing on their house than their mother! Maria wasn't trying to kick me out of the house. She was merely trying to make her life easier by making sure that the house was as perfect as possible when her mother showed up. I felt instantly guilty. I'd been so consumed with my own job and living arrangements that I'd forgotten about the people who had so generously opened their homes to me in my time of need. I feel like a huge butt hole right now, I will tell you that. The other thing I wanted to tell you all is way more inspirational. I read an interview with Fred Armisen (yes, SNL and Portlandia Fred Armisen) today and it really got me thinking. He said that he tries every day to create one thing. It can be making a piece of art, writing a part of a script, or learning a script. It just has to contribute to creation. I have recently learned (through Helena) that I am happiest when I am creating something. Some days it's writing, some days it's publishing, and other days it's painting a matryoshka with Helena. It doesn't have to be big, but the act of creating something makes me feel good regardless of the instability I am experiencing in my life. So, I have to agree with Fred here and I have decided that I will create something everyday. It might not be creating something to completion, but I will engage in the act of creation every day through the end of September. From there, we will just have to see...

Another New Zine

Yesterday evening I was reading a zine about a female busker in Canada. It was hands-down one of the best zines I've ever read, but I think mostly because it captured some of things I've been contemplating in my own life. That got me thinking... Zines have completely transformed how I think and live my day-to-day life. I know that's a bold statement, but had I not exposed myself to zines, I would never have exposed myself to the politics, ideologies, and activism that changed my life forever. So, I decided to write a zine about how zines saved me as a human being. Right now, the title is "How Zines Saved Me (and How They Can Save You)" but I find that title boring. Really, that's more of the theme than it is the title, but I figure the title will come as the zine develops. I love this zine so much already because I am so emotionally invested in the content. My connection to zines is such that, for each life event that I've had in the past two years, I can name a zine that either related to my experience or helped me through that experience. And I feel deeply connected to so many of these zine writers, most of whom I've never even met. Anyway, I just wanted to share what I'm excited about right now.

The zine I read last night that got me thinking about this. Visit her shop here.

West Coast Dreamin'

I've always been into dreams. I mean, who isn't? Dreams are cool. I'm not as into them in that whole "interpreting-them-to-determine-your-future" way, but more as a gauge for what's going in your life and your head. My dreams have definitely come down with a case of multiple personalities since moving to Portland. Sometimes they are completely absent or they make no sense whatsoever. At other times, they are vivid and absolutely indicative of my place in life. This past week, they have been extremely vivid and chalk full of emotion. I'm pretty sure that this is because I am spending so much time processing some big life changes. I'm starting a new job, I'm doggedly looking for a place to stay and running all over town meeting potential roommates. I'm thinking about packing and how that will go down and, with all of this, I'm navigating the whole crush situation. It's a lot and it's overwhelming. Not in a bad way, by any means. It's just I am definitely in system overload mode. My dreams are helping me sort through that. Here's the general feeling that I get when I wake up from these dreams: Happiness-- chaotic happiness-- and also, a sense that everything is going to be ok. My financial concerns will be ok, my romantic insecurities are just not that big of a deal, and my life in general will turn out to be fine. It may not look the way I'd planned, but I will be happy. I am already happy, if the dreams I am having are any indication. So, I'm going to trust my dreams here and stop worrying like an old woman about money, and housing, and finding the perfect timing for various life events.

The Making of an Anarchist

I went to look at a house and meet some roommates this evening. The ride home was pretty interesting. First, a ginormous boat was on the Willamette so I had to wait for the bridge. In the process, I got to see the Morrison, Burnside and Steele (I was waiting at the Steele Bridge) Bridges elevate. It's pretty cool. I saw the Hawthorne bridge elevate for an itty bitty sail boat with a giant mast the other day, so now I've seen all of the bridges that move except the Broadway in a matter of two days. That and the house/housemates was the good-interesting part of the ride. Then, I went to the Skidmore Max station. There was a drunken homeless man laying face-down on the pavement with a Portland Police Officer straddling him. He was flailing his legs and the officer kept punching him in the neck. Then, a flurry of cop cars came driving (or flying, it was so fast) up the tracks, braking violently,slamming doors and sprinting toward the man and the first-responding cops. It was brutal and violent and, even though I was never in any danger, it really frightened me. I have historically had extremely visceral reactions to any kind of violence and this was no exception. Portland has a couple of really active Police Watchdog groups and I can definitely see why. This man was clearly mentally ill, and while I understand that cops in Portland deal with a lot of shit (there are an obscene amount of addicts, mentally ill, and homeless here because of the temperate weather), it did seem like excessive force. Literally, the man was dragging his feet and the cops basically had to carry him to the cop car. He couldn't possibly have posed any kind of a physical threat to anyone but himself. This isn't a political or philosophical post, but it's moments like these that lead people like me to view radical politics as a viable option. Actually, I've been wanting to write a zine where I interview zinesters who are progressive and/or anarchists to find out what events led them to their (invariably) unpopular political beliefs. This evening was definitely one of those moments where I remembered why I have the politics I have.

A (very cautious) update

I accepted a job today. It's part time, but it's for a non profit organization that provides preschool and before-and-after care for children. I can get about 33.5 hours a week if I want, so I'm just trying to navigate the system(s) here to figure out what benefits me most financially. Yup, I'm that bourgeious. I had an interview with a division of Gap Inc. that went really well today. So, I can either have two part time jobs or take on the before care session in addition to the after care session at the nonprofit to fill in the economic gap. Hmmmm... Also, I'm attending some open houses to find a roommate/house situation. So, I'm cautiously beginning to believe that my crazy-ass dream might actually become a reality. We'll see. I start training next Tuesday and I hear back from a few other prospects next week, so.... In other news, I went to Kinko's to copy my zine and-- woohoo! It worked. Thanks to the Northeast 7th Avenue FedEx Office store for helpin' a sista out! They rocked-- even had a long-arm stapler (that kept jamming, but they helped me with that, too) that I could staple my zines with. So, there are now officially 15 zines for sale/distribution. I don't care whether people buy my zine or just get it. I simply want people to read it. So, if you want it, let me know. I sent three off to my best friend who will be distributing them to my friends in Colorado and one copy went to Chicago to my new penpal (the author of "Cheer the Eff Up", which is an amazing zine by the way). That means, for you mathmeticians out there, that there are 11 left for anyone who wants them. I'm considering consigning them at Portland Button Works, but I'm not so confident about them yet to gamble on that. I would prefer to distribute them and then have people tell others how great it is (if it is, in fact, that great). That's about all I'm willing to report right now. I've promised many an embellishment post, where I elaborate on various events in my life (i.e. my realizations about my family and PZS) and I haven't forgot them. I'm just not quite ready to talk about that yet. But soon, I promise. Soon...